


Black Coffee

by Terrorfecta



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, F/F, Other, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Rebellion, So much hate flirting, hate flirting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-15
Updated: 2018-01-16
Packaged: 2019-01-17 12:09:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 19,522
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12365475
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Terrorfecta/pseuds/Terrorfecta
Summary: The coffee shop was tucked away in a troll neighborhood, but the new subway line brought more humans than expected. Nepeta didn't mind the little mammals, and definitely didn't mind the boost in business, but when one of them makes her see spades... Well, no one said hatemance was easy.





	1. Anyone who likes cats can't be all bad.

Not much happened at the coffee shop during the late hours of the night. Sure, there was the evening bustle from open to about 9:30, and then a bump in business around midnight. But at four in the morning, just before sunrise? Nepeta could only clean the counters so many times. She gave an indignant murrmph as she laid her chin down on said counter, eyes focused on the people passing by and tail moving languidly behind her. She'd been forced to take off her ears, but because the prosthetic was attached to her spine, she'd been allowed to keep the tail.

Ever since that new subway line had opened up, a lot more humans were showing up in the crowds, even for such a diurnal species. Their skin still threw her off, and she settled her arms under her chin to continue staring. While she’d finally finished her first molt, her skin darkening to a respectable nickel color alongside her increased proportions, humans never seemed to do so. They just got bigger on their own. It was absolutely unnerving.

Actually, most things about humans threw her off. She was one of the last among her comrades to finish her mandatory fleet rotation, so seeing humans at all was still a weird thing. They seemed so helpless, and yet they’d managed to hold the troll empire off long enough to integrate. The biggest among them could match a fully molted oliveblood for size, but many were smaller. And they came in so many different colors! It didn't seem to be the result of a hemocaste at all, but rather some strange mix of genetics. The squishy things were just asking for attention from predators.

Before she could get too lost in thought, the door gave a hearty jingle as someone came in. Nepeta perked up at that, spotting a human picking her way through the tables and chairs while humming along to the radio. She had bright pink hair and wore equally obnoxious clothes, all bright pastels. She certainly didn’t look like someone who had just come from work, as most humans would be. But business was business.

“Welcome!” Nepeta chirped out when the human stopped at the counter.

“Hi! I need the strongest drink you’re legally allowed to serve me. Large.” The human’s tone was just as chipper as her own, but Nepeta furrowed her brow for a moment. She wasn’t exactly well-versed in human physiology, but even for trolls that much caffeine was probably not a good thing.

“Coming right up,” she decided after a moment. The boss would probably get upset if a customer complained, and besides, it gave her something to do. As soon as she turned, the human pulled out her phone, and Nepeta saw that the woman had a purrbeast-themed phone case. At least humans liked some sensible things. And they did have a lot more of them than trolls did. Their cats came in a wide selection of shapes and colors and Nepeta wanted to pet all of them. Preferably at the same time, in some kind of mountain of kitties.

While the human seemed to be in the process of texting, the phone went off, and she groaned before answering. “Heeeeeeyyyyy, Dirkie,” she drawled, pulling out ten coins and setting them on the counter before stepping away. “No, I’m in this cute little coffee shop. Of course I’m not. Decaf for me, just like you _insist_.” She had a slightly grating laugh, though maybe it was just because it was so obviously forced. Nepeta poured the large coffee into a to-go mug and took the money off the counter.

“Dirk, are you really going to start the ‘who should be sleeping’ argument with me? Because I hate to tell you, Distri, but I’ve never passed out in the shower. So you really don’t… Okay, that’s fair. But we’re not talking about my drinking. We’re talking about your sleeping.”

The human was still talking. Nepeta placed the change on top of the coffee and raised a brow when the human didn’t seem to notice. She was in an argument, clearly, though that sugary voice might have fooled someone who couldn’t see her face.

Normally, Nepeta may have been offended, but really, there was no one else here. As far as phone-based offenses went, this was only the barest hint of rude. She doubted the human would notice or care if she went back to some chore or another, but since there was nothing else to do, Nepeta just leaned on the counter and listened in. She might not have been the biggest gossip in their little group of friends (Feferi lived on drama, and it had only gotten worse now that she was preparing to usurp the Condesce from their hatchplace) but she did like a bit of verbal strife.

“Yeah, yeah, best friends. Dirkie, you worry too much.” The human paused, and her face turned softer. “Nothing but diamonds for you too. You know that.”

Diamonds? She was lying to her _moirail_ like that? Nepeta felt her hairs begin to stand up in offense, rumblespheres beginning to echo the growl in her chest cavity and turning it to something far more menacing. Oh, that would not stand. Humans may have been eager to latch onto quadrant slang to define their sloppy little relationships, but she would not let someone just ignore the basic rules. “Large coffee, extra strength!” she called out clearly, a spike of pride running through her as the human’s jaw dropped in offense. Served her right, really.

The human propped the phone between her shoulder and ear, and Nepeta could hear the scolding from where she stood. “Really?” the human asked Nepeta as she took her coffee and change. “ _Really_?”

“Good moirails don’t lie to their diamonds,” Nepeta replied, her smile turning sharp. There was a tense moment, a silence so thick it could be cut only with claws, before the human chuckled, putting the rest of her change in the donation jar next to the till. It was for purrbeast shelters on other planets where the environment was less hospitable for them. If the human had been looking for a way to diffuse a black situation, she certainly succeeded. She then quickly retreated and Nepeta could hear the apologies all the way out the door.

“No, Dirkie, I wasn’t laughing at you. I would never. Okay, yeah, you’re right. But I need to be awake at least until Janie goes to work. You don't know what having a roommate is like.”

The oliveblood laughed a little as well, and then moved to wipe off the counters again. For a second, that tension had her seeing spades. Equius would find it hilarious. Or horrible. Either way, she was going to tell him as soon as her shift ended. He could use a little riling up. After all, that was what a good moirail did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bit of a starter chapter to set the scene. I love a good coffee shop AU.


	2. First (Metaphorical) Blood

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another short-ish chapter. Next one may be out in a few days, or more likely closer to the end of the week when I have another few days off. I do have a mortgage to pay, after all.
> 
> Also, for someone not at all used to formatting in HTML, pesterlogs are the devil, work skin or no.

The worst part about sharing a planet with humans was dawn. Just as Nepeta collapsed into her ‘coon, she heard humans getting up for the day. It wasn’t their fault, really. Hivestems were cheap living, and humans had a weird fascination for troll culture so of course there were several living in the building. Equius had asked her to move to his hive on the edge of the city, but she’d declined in favor of a cozy little place right near the city center. The commute was way too long otherwise.

At least the humans in the hive above tried to be quiet. They were active, certainly, but they didn’t put on their shoes until they were out in the hall, and they spoke in quiet tones for the most part. But living so long alone had honed her senses for any possible enemies, and having made it a good way up the chain of patrol officerators had made promotion by culling a very real possibility. She hadn’t been able to rely on Equius way out in space, except for the rare occasions they were on the same ship, or when she was transferred back to him for emergency moirail intervention.

She managed to drift off to sopor-assisted sleep relatively quickly once they cleared out from above. The rest of the noise, the trolls outside rushing back home despite this sun being nowhere near as deadly as their home planet’s, the sounds of vehicles zooming past the hivestem en route to jobs or leisure, even the occasional cry of an animal, allowed her to relax into the slime for a peaceful day away from the horrorterrors's maddening tendrils.

Equius trolled her almost as soon as night fell, his handle making her smile despite herself. The goof had probably been up for an hour or more, working on his secret projects with the rebels. He thought she didn’t know of his continued support, but she was the one who had suggested him to Karkat and Feferi in the first place.

 

– centaursTesticle [CT]  has begun trolling  arsenicCatnip [AC]  –   
CT: D --> I do not mean to trouble you this early but are you awake  
AC: :33 < *the elegant purrbeast ac is intrigued by the noble and strong hoofbeasts approach, and emerges from her cave, stretching luxuriously under the moonlight*  
AC: :33 < *and then ac pounces on him! :33*  
CT: D --> Nepeta, that is quite unnecessary  
AC: :33 < come on, equius! i do that in real life 33:  
CT: D --> And it is beneath your b100d and station   
CT: D --> You are a fully grown troll now  
CT: D --> Mostly

 

She moved to get out of the coon and fixed herself some breakfast. The meat in the fridge wasn’t exactly fresh, but it hadn’t gone off yet either, so she heated that up as she worked on getting her things prepared for a shower.

 

AC: :33 < aww you never want to play purrtend anymore  
AC: :33 < *it s33ms to ac like the noble and strong hoofbeast n33ds to take the rod out of his waste chute*  
CT: D --> Nepeta  
CT: D --> !

 

Nepeta couldn’t help but smile a little, imagining his flustered face. Equius was easy to tease, maybe even more so than when they were younger. After all, while she’d worn him down on some things—blood castes, constantly monitoring what she did—she had to give up on others—his constant preoccupation with appearing proper, and his absolute refusal to admit he liked roleplaying.

But she was paler than bone and stars for the big sweaty mess, so she supposed it was worth the constant nitpicking. And he was a terrifyingly pitiable troll. It wouldn’t even be hard for him to find a flushfling somewhere.

AC: :33 < come on, you know i'm right  
AC: :33 < what did you n33d so early anyway?  
CT: D --> I had hoped to speak to you before work  
CT: D --> There is a human who has invited me to an event as a “date”  
CT: D --> And I find myself quite flummo%ed when it comes to a response  
AC: :33 < it sounds like a purrfect oppurrtunity to m33t some new humans ;33  
CT: D --> I would like you to come with me  
CT: D --> There is a "battle" the humans are having in the middle of the day  
CT: D --> I have been assured there will be no bloodshed, but there will be sugar and alcohol involved  
CT: D --> And possibly snacks  
AC: :33 < you had me at battle equihiss  
CT: D --> Ah  
CT: D --> Well  
CT: D --> I will meet you at your hive just before dawn if that is %eptable  
AC: :33 < okay. i have to get going now though  
AC: :33 < i'm still covered in sopurr!  
CT: D --> I shall see you tonight then  
AC: :33 < <>  
CT: D --> <>

 

Quickly, Nepeta washed off the soporific slime, running her claws through her hair and over her grub scars to work out the sticky fluid from the tougher to reach places in her soft chitin. Sopor stuck in the oddest of places, and she still wasn’t quite used to dealing with it. She’d usually slept dry as a pupa, and they used patches to fend off the horrorterrors in the fleet. She hoped it would become second nature to her now that she was a civilian again. It would only get harder after her second molt. The plates along her vulnerable areas were tough to clean even when half-hardened like this!

All the extra grooming made her late for her shift at the coffee shop, but not so much that she couldn’t slip past the other employee and punch in on time. The early evening staffer ducked out the moment he was able, groaning loudly about something that Nepeta only half-caught. Something about humans, maybe? They didn’t speak much except to talk about shifts, and his lisp was almost as bad as Sollux's.

Nepeta was prepared for another long night of doing nothing. And she was absolutely right. The night before had been dull enough, but this one was absolutely empty. She could count on one hand the number of customers they’d had since she started her shift, and still be able to kill a squeakbeast. She’d gotten so bored she started to scrub underneath the counter’s curved edge, picking away at possibly years of old dust.

The ring of the door sounded like music to her ears, until Nepeta turned and saw who it was. The pink-haired human was back, this time with a husktop that was just as obnoxiously bright as she was. Her tail lashed once before she forced it to wrap around her waist.

“You look comfy down there,” the human noted, squatting down next to Nepeta and looking at the counter with some interest. “But can I get coffee?” The human had dark circles under her eyes. Not quite as dark as Equius, of course, but it was obvious she probably hadn’t slept.

She sounded innocent enough, but Nepeta only raised a brow. “Did your moirail say you could get coffee?” she replied, just as sugary. She got up anyway, because a customer was a customer, but it was obvious by the human’s posture that she had not expected the response.

“Rude. Also yes, so give me something to make him regret that decision. Eh ess eh pea.” She didn’t sound angry at the mild jab, so as Nepeta washed her hands, she checked the extra dark roast. There was enough for a small, but she doubted she could wring anything larger out of it.

“Do you want a small or do you want to wait fifteen minutes?” Nepeta questioned when she finished drying her hands. The human was leaning against the counter now, the mammalian approximation of rumblespheres jutting out with the way she had set her shoulders. Now that Nepeta thought about it, humans did seem to like showing them off, just little peeks of the soft flesh they carried around. What a strange thing to draw focus to when she knew their pump biscuit was just underneath.

“Can I get a small now and a large when the next batch is done?” The human seemed to notice the way Nepeta was eyeing her up, because her grin widened. “Or will that be too complicated for you, kitten?”

Was… was that a black pass at her? Nepeta’s tail fluffed up without her consent, almost knocking over one of the stacks of cups in its sudden lash. The human giggled, and placed the money on the counter.

“I’ll be over there. Would you mind bringing me my coffee if you’re not too busy?” Sarcasm dripped from each word.

And with that, she walked off with her husktop, settling in a corner booth. Nepeta felt a growl building within her again, and she huffed as she poured the coffee. It would take a lesser troll to slam it down, or pour it over the machine, so she set it carefully next to the human, and then went back to work starting the next batch.

Did she even know what she was doing? Surely humans knew not to flirt black with a mighty patrol officerator! She was as stealthy as a laughsassin and as strong as a... a cavalreaper on hoofbeastback. She was Nepeta empress-damned Leijon and she should strike fear into any mammal made of such thin flesh!

Nepeta spilled a few beans as she poured them into the machine, cursing under her breath the whole while. As she set it to run, she swept up the beans and looked at the other machines just in case. They were all low, but not too low. In fact, the decaf was pretty full.

Grinning to herself, Nepeta had a wicked idea. If the human was going to play with spades, she would oblige. They were too fragile for most blackflirting, but she could afford to be petty.

Fifteen minutes later, Nepeta set the other coffee next to the husktop, trying not to give anything away. The human didn’t seem to notice anyway, typing away in what looked like human script. Actually, it almost looked like some of Sollux’s work, the few times she’d been allowed to look at his husktop when they were young.

A joke was never quite as funny if it blew up in her face, so Nepeta retreated and wiped down the panes of the windows as she waited. It didn’t take particularly long. The indignant retching sound had her giggling to herself as she turned, trying to straighten out her expression.

“Something wrong?” she asked, watching as the human stood up. Something in her trilled, made her grin widen even as she prepared for a reaction.

“You seriously gave me _decaf_?” the human replied, stopping just out of arm’s reach. Humans didn’t have fangs, but it apparently didn’t matter to this one. She was bearing what little nubs she had, posture tense and predatory even as she seemed to mull over her options for violence.

“Oh, did you want another one of the dark roast?” Nepeta couldn’t keep the snarl out of her voice entirely, but she did try. “You should have been more specific.”

The human seemed like she was going to pounce, but then stopped herself, taking a slow breath. “Fine. I’ll take one coffee, extra dark, large. To go.”

“Coming right up! Don’t spill this one, okay?”

Nepeta grinned as she felt the spades aimed at her back. She didn’t really feel hate at first sight, especially not with such a squishy little human, but she did like feeling loathed. It had been too long since her last casual blackfling.

“Just wait, kitty. _Just_ wait.” Ooh, and with the ominous threats already. Nepeta couldn’t help the playful lashing of her tail as she worked. What could a human do that she hadn’t seen before anyway? The human would have her black fun for a while and then get scared off when it got too alien.

 

**Nepeta: one. Pink human: _zero_**


	3. Humans are entirely too pale for each other

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Equius and Nepeta. And football. This chapter got away from me, hence the lateness (and almost tripling the fic length).

Equius arrived exactly when he said he would, which was unfortunate, because Nepeta wasn’t quite ready yet. She’d gotten off of work on time, but had been preoccupied on the subway and missed her stop. She’d taken a transportalizer back to her hivestem, but the line had made her late coming back.

The knock was polite, yet firm. The code, three fast, two slow, was so familiar Nepeta treated it as a greeting in itself.

“The door’s open!” she called as she changed out of her uniform into something more comfortable. Her tail was giving her trouble again, not cooperating while she tried to slip it through the hole in her casual slacks. It wasn’t the first time she’d had trouble with mixed signals, and given how frazzled she was at running late and the black feelings still occasionally causing a pang of adrenaline, it was worse than usual. At her aggravated huff, the blueblood appeared in the doorway, his face mildly concerned by her appearance.

He barely fit inside the room these days. Equius’s first molt had come early, just before hers, darkening his skin only slightly as the chitin began to form over his most vulnerable places. It barely healed that broken horn of his too, only covering up the rawest of his nerves and dulling the sharp points where it had cracked. It was likely he’d molt two or three more times before he finished growing, and he was already only slightly below average size for an adult indigoblood. It was no wonder so many people were trying to get him out of the way now rather than later.

With any luck, he’d only get broader, or Nepeta knew she would have to move to a bigger place just to accommodate the troll. And she really couldn’t afford that on a barista’s salary. The only good thing about growing up was that Equius seemed to spread all that power out over a larger frame. The molt had given him such a boost to his fine motor skills that he didn’t break things anymore. It also made his fingers as steady as a surgeonnihilator.

Most of their peers seemed to forget that his strength was controlled, but nowhere near gone. His cull count was just as high as any blueblood she’d ever run into. Higher, maybe, because he would obviously rise through the ranks, and with how strong he was, his rivals usually attempted their cull promotion in packs. The stunning failures had not deterred the military types from trying get to the top of the pack.

“Are you alright, Nepeta?” Equius asked, observing as she tried to wrangle the prosthetic. Really all she needed on her spine was the neurogrub system to provide support for her cracked vertebrae when she bent and stretched. Everything else was extra. But it was fun extra. It was comforting extra. It was part of her identity now, and even though it was being a pain now, she wouldn’t trade it for the world.

“I’m fine. I just… urgh! Have a lot on my mind. Could you help me with this? Otherwise I’m never going to get these on in time.” Nepeta threw her hands in the air as Equius knelt beside her, trying to calm her thoughts. It wasn’t her tail’s fault that she was flustered.

“Obviously I will have to run some diagnostics later,” he noted, slowly feeding her tail through her pants like she was a wiggler who couldn’t figure out clothes. It was embarrassing, but he gave her a light papping on the thigh as he worked, and she chirruped despite herself.

“I like it as it is,” she argued. “And besides, you don’t have that much free time anymore, do you?”

Equius was done slipping the tail through her slacks, so Nepeta quickly buttoned them. “I have all the time in the universe for my moirail,” he replied, tone suggesting that was the most obvious thing in the world. The pang of pale hit her so strong Nepeta had to turn around and nuzzle his face with her own.

“Aww, you know I don’t mean it like that. I think it’s purrfect as is.”

Equius returned the hug even as he moved to stand, lifting the oliveblood off her feet with ease. “I could hear the pun in that,” he scolded softly into her hair as he set her down. Nepeta only giggled, pulling on her hat as she padded out of the room.

“That’s why I made one,” she replied, smiling brightly. She was fairly certain she had everything. Wallet, sunglasses, weaponry… Yeah, that should have been everything. The troll slipped her shoes on as they headed out. They were still a little late, but not by much. A brisk pace would probably make up the difference. Unfortunately, she had forgotten a few key things that weren’t related to her inventory.

Equius drew attention. Especially this close to daybreak. Especially when they breezed past the line for the transportalizer to stand in front. A few trolls and humans looked like they were going to argue, but the highbloods still had privilege in mixed society. And culling was perfectly acceptable during troll to troll interaction. She’d forgotten how uncomfortable crowds were when she couldn’t just slip through them on her way to an errand, because even the threat of death didn’t stop the annoyed stares.

“Equius, we really should wait in line,” Nepeta sighed as she followed. But she didn’t fight very hard. Waiting was boring, and it would draw even more attention given his size.  
“The drones would have insisted in any case.” The blueblood nodded toward the robots manning the station to prevent any accidental dismemberment or miscalculation. They were also systematically sorting the highest priority trolls and largest groups to make the trips most efficient.

Sighing, Nepeta had to concede that point. She and Equius were allowed their own trip to a human part of town, and only had to wait a minute or so. There may have been others who wanted to make that jump, but given the fact that Equius was a full head and shoulders taller than his moirail, it would have been a tight fit. Humans usually didn’t go for that, especially with anyone teal or higher. Highblood rage was a well-known phenomenon, so most humans avoided anyone bigger than them.

That was what made this “date” so interesting!

“So what’s this human’s name?” Nepeta questioned as Equius guided her down the rows of human-style buildings. They looked like homes, so they must have been on the outskirts of the city and into the suburbs. Equius was consulting his glasses every so often, but he seemed to know vaguely where he was going.

“John. Although his human companion Jade was the one who called it a date. She also invited me. For him.”

“Human companion?” Nepeta drawled the words slightly, emphasizing how strange that sounded, even for him.

“They may be moirails, but I wasn’t exactly certain.” The disdain in his voice was obvious. Humans didn’t seem to have a concept of pale monogamy, even the ones who declared their relationships by way of quadrants. Nepeta’s thoughts turned back to that pink-haired human from the shop and her expression darkened slightly.

Equius noticed. “Caeger for your thougts?” Besides an occasional car, the streets were empty this time of night. Day. The sun was beginning to peek over buildings, and Nepeta dug her shades out of her pocket, putting them on.

“I met a human at work like that.” Nepeta mulled it over for a moment before deciding to elaborate. She was going to save the story for a pile later… but oh well. “I think she was blackflirting with me.”

Her awkward companion didn’t respond for a long moment. “Did you… flirt back?” he responded, tone a little strangled. Nepeta saw he was sweating again, and she nudged him as they walked. Clearly he needed a little teasing, because if he was going to be this uncomfortable with the idea it would be best if they turned and went hive right now.

“Only a little. Don’t be so uptight, Equius. I’m not going to make a human my spade.” Nepeta let her mouth curl into a knowing smile as she looked over at him. “Besides, doesn’t a date mean you’re flirting with humans, too?”

He was sweating harder now. “Erm.”

If her grin got any wider, it would be classified as “shit-eating.” “It’s red, right? Which one is cuter?”

“Nepeta, this is a very uncomfortable topic.”

“Come on! Tell me.”

“Of course, but in _public_? I don’t’ think this is...” Something clicked in his head, and his shoulders relaxed. The taller troll let out a little chuckle, exasperated at his own reaction. He mopped up some of the sweat with his handkerchief and took a few calming breaths. He couldn’t afford to be so riled up.

“Humans are going to be even pushier than me,” Nepeta reminded him gently, plucking the cloth from his hands and dabbing at his face. “Sure you want to run into a pack of them?” She had to skip backwards to keep up with his pace, but she trusted that he wouldn’t let her run into anything. As he leaned down to her level, his eyes were on their path, and a contented purr filled him, quickly mirrored by the oliveblood.

“I believe I will survive,” Equius drawled back through the noise in his chest. After a few moments, he stopped and allowed her to finish fussing. Nepeta straightened out his hair while she had him under her claws, earning another pleased rumble. No one was here, so really, why not make sure she had her moirail as calm as she could make him? They were heading into unfamiliar territory, around a species who could burst open with the slightest of claw swipes.

Equius allowed it for a little while, but then gently took her hands away from his horns, where she had been gently scratching. “We will be late,” he informed her, though not without some disappointment. Nepeta nodded, and then followed him around a corner. This place seemed to be no longer homes, but instead businesses of various types, the signs in human script. Equius pointed to a glass building a block or so away. “That is where we are supposed to meet. Although it doesn’t look open.” He trailed off, straightened up to his full height, and then looked around for any movement. “And I do not see either of the humans.”

“We’re not too late, are we?” Nepeta also scanned the streets, and pointed when she spotted a commotion several blocks away and barely in sight. “Oh, wait! Is that them?”

Two humans were jogging toward them, and one of them started waving furiously. Equius looked in the same direction, and then nodded. Nepeta waved back after the confirmation, and when the humans stopped in front of them, both smiled widely.

“Hi!”

“Hello!”

Nepeta studied the two humans in front of her. Both had black hair, and seemed fully matured for their species. One was blue-eyed and smiling up at Equius, while the other was green-eyed and stared at her. Nepeta felt her pusher start up in a higher gear at the warmth of the attention, but she shoved it aside in order to examine the two for weaponry.

“I’m John,” the taller of the humans told her, holding out a hand. “You’re the big guy’s moirail, right? Nepeta?”

“Right!” Nepeta shook his hand, finding his were large and calloused. That little bit of familiar consistency made her relax a hair, and Equius seemed nervous for her reaction, glancing over at her from behind the protection of his shades.

“And I’m Jade,” the other offered, also shaking her hand. “Nice to meet you!”

“So Equius said something about a battle?” Nepeta replied, letting her stance soften a little. John flashed her a huge grin, while Jade seemed mildly exasperated.

“I told you it’s not nice to call it a battle, John,” she scolded gently. Then, she turned to Nepeta. “Trolls don’t have sports, right? Physical team competitions?”

“I… don’t think so. Does the winner cull the loser?”

Both humans paused, before John started laughing. Nepeta blinked in confusion, and then turned her her moirail. These were the kinds of humans that got his pusher pumping? Really?

“I asked the same question,” Equius explained softly over John’s giggling.

“Ignore him,” Jade sighed. “We’re heading to his house for the game, but I have his keys so we can leave him if you want.”

That stopped the laughing soon enough. “Hey!”

Jade smiled widely when John tried to search her pockets, presumably to find his keys. Her teeth were slightly longer in the front than John’s. It was almost an endearing look, though Nepeta turned her eyes from the humans to look back at her palemate. Equius seemed flustered, but not in a bad way.

It was still a little surprising to find that Equius got along well enough with any humans. As they walked, the duo calmed a little, and John began explaining how he’d bumped into the troll.

“I usually have the gym to myself when I go, but Equius started coming the same time I did. Not that I mind, of course.” John shot another goofy grin toward the blueblood, apparently unaware of the sudden onset of more sweating. “It’s more fun if you can do activities together, right?”

“I am impressed by your strong nature, for a human,” Equius replied, and Nepeta couldn’t mistake the pleased twitch of his mouth when John’s face reddened, the human version of a flush.

“So how did you meet Equius?” Nepeta questioned Jade, falling in next to her and letting the men hang back.

“It sort of just happened. I'm John's neighbor, so you know how it goes.” Jade shrugged helplessly, and then her eyes lit up. “Do you like art, too?”

“Art?” She didn’t quite understand, but Jade soon reached into her pockets, digging out her phone.

“Here! Humans have something kind of like troll high art. I was really surprised.” The human began to scroll through several saved pictures, most of them bipedal beasts. While the musculature was much less pronounced, it did share a serious resemblance to the pieces Equius kept lovingly preserved in private storage. Most highbloods would probably be pleased to see that humans had such good taste.

“I don’t really get art,” the oliveblood replied, looking at all of the types of beasts humans had conjured. “Oh, wait! Go back one?”

Jade did so, and grinned. “I like this one a lot, too!” The picture was of a purrbeast and a barkbeast, both with just enough human features to make them unnerving. Cute, but unnerving. Nepeta took her sunglasses off hesitantly to enjoy the colors properly. It wasn't dim enough to remain comfortable for long under the glare, but she did like the vividness of the lines.

“You’re not showing her all your furry stuff again, are you?” John demanded from behind them, causing Jade to stick out her tongue.

“Furry is a way of life,” she replied primly. “I just like the art. Besides, at least I can talk about more than just how many reps I’ve done today.”

“It’s not my fault my job is boring.” John had started to pout, and then rushed past the group in order to take the lead. “It’s this way, guys!”

“I know where you live, John,” Jade murmured, just loud enough to have Nepeta snort with laughter. She glanced sideways at the oliveblood and her grin got wider. “Don’t worry. The rest of us aren’t this bad.”

“The rest?” Equius repeated from behind them. Nepeta felt more than heard the rumble of worry in his chest, and she gave him her best reassuring smile. Even if it was a hundred humans, she would make sure this outing was a success.

“I said it was a battle to get you to come, but it’s more like a party!” John grinned as he spoke, stopping in front of a white, boring house. “Come on in! There’s still a lot of setting up to do, but make yourselves at home.”

The invitation was dampened somewhat when Jade had to unlock the door for him, both sets of keys immediately going to a stand next to the door. She slipped her shoes off in the entry, and so did John, so while the trolls gave each other a look, they did the same. Nepeta also took off her sunglasses, while Equius left his on. The home was nice, if clearly owned by a human, and it was still a little bright for the blueblood.

The ceilings barely fit Equius when he stood straight, and he quickly took an offered seat just so his horns wouldn’t scrape the plaster. The rooms were spacious, and many of the items in her own hive were similar to the ones here. A couch, several chairs, and a low table adorned the first room. There were also shelves of books, many with technical titles that didn’t interest Nepeta at all. The thickest of the books was a manual, it looked like. Colonel Sassacre’s Daunting Text of Magical Frivolity and Practical Japery? Was that a joke book of some kind?

Of course, Nepeta’s eyes were then drawn to one of the walls, where a very large screen seemed to dominate the space. She hadn’t noticed right away, especially since it was hard to see from the entry, but the screen was obviously the crown jewel of the space.

“The bathroom is down the hallway,” John offered, letting them take in the space for a second. “Er, ablution block? Sorry, I’m not used to troll lingo.”

“Bathroom is fine.” Nepeta also offered a small smile as she spoke. “I think we can figure out what you mean.”

“I mean, given enough time and gestures, anybody would, right?” Nepeta was startled by a giggle coming from her chest, and John seemed to take that as a compliment. “See? I’m a master comedian, Jade.”

“You’re a master something alright,” Jade responded. “Don’t encourage him or he’ll never stop.” Her grin grew a bit bigger. “Same with Dave. He’s coming too, right?”

“I thought you invited him!”

Jade’s eyes widened, before John started laughing again. “John! Don’t scare me like that!”

“But you should have seen your _face_!”

“You’re such a jerk, John!”

Humans were weird. Equius looked over at Nepeta, like she knew what was going on. She shrugged in return, equally unsure. Was this a typical human interaction or some kind of pale flirting that they engaged in while in public? She was beginning to understand his confusion about their quadrant status.

“Do… you need a pile?” she asked the two giggling humans. Jade quickly tried to compose herself, but broke down laughing a few times first.

“No, no, sorry. We’ll stop.” She narrowed her eyes at John. “Because it’s rude, right John? And we’re supposed to make our guests comfortable.”

John groaned, but agreed, and the two humans began to bustle around, John in the kitchen working on snacks, and Jade at her husktop making sure everyone would arrive on time.

Apparently the festivities started at noon, but the trolls had been invited over sooner so that they wouldn’t have to face the crowds around town. “It gets pretty busy around here on game days,” Jade told them, smiling. Nepeta could believe it. The walkways were wide and well-cared for, and she doubted it would be that way for less popular parts of the human cities.

As John worked from the kitchen, he occasionally shouted additions to Jade’s chatter. Apparently the game was between two rival teams, as part of some kind of league where similar games were played across a large part of the year. The way the humans described it, it sounded little like the sports Nepeta was familiar with, but she did get the idea. “It’s not a blood sport, so hopefully no one will get hurt, but it is pretty exciting,” John added. “I used to play, too when I was a kid.”

“That was like ten years ago,” Jade informed the trolls. “But football is pretty fun. Besides, I’d like the get to know you better.” Obviously the statement was directed at Equius, but Nepeta felt included nonetheless. It was understandable why Equius was so disarmed by her. The combination of her sincerity and John’s jokes made her at ease in the strange hive. She didn’t even rise when Jade answered the door and more humans appeared.

“Dave, Rose,” Jade noted when she opened the door. “Welcome! This is Equius and Nepeta. They’re here for the game, too!”

The two humans were recognizable, vaguely. Nepeta had seen pictures of Dave, at least. He was pretty hard to miss when posters of the human movies went up around the city. Rose was harder to pin, but she also seemed important. She’s seen a picture of her or something. Neither took their eyes off the trolls even as they greeted Jade, and Nepeta felt Equius tense beside her.

“Hello!” Nepeta offered, placing a warning into her glance at her palemate. “I’m Nepeta.”

“It is a pleasure to meet you,” Equius added, not getting up. “Forgive my impropriety, but the ceilings...” He gestured vaguely to his horns.

“Nah, s’cool,” Dave replied. “I’ve felt your pain, dude.”

“Indeed,” Rose added. Both seemed uncertain about how to proceed, but when John came in from the kitchen, lifting them both off the ground in the strength of his hug, the tension disappeared.

Nepeta found herself chatting with Dave as more humans arrived. He had taken a seat next to Equius on the couch, his eyes on the door as he took in the guests. She was sitting on Equius’s thigh, cross-legged and leaning toward the human. Her tail occasionally lashed when she got too excited about something or when Equius accidentally brushed it with his hand.

“I’ve never seen a human movie,” Nepeta admitted as she glanced again at the blueblood. He was speaking about something incredibly technical to Jade behind her, occasionally gesturing toward her tail. They must have been talking neurogrub science or something. It would certainly explain why he kept messing with her tail. She could feel it in a dull way, not like her fingertips or toes, but enough that she flinched away from the unexpected contact.

“Seriously? They’re a thing of beauty, if I do say so myself.”

“And you do,” Rose added from her seat beside Dave. She had her hands clasped in her lap, and her expression was harder to read. At least Dave was good at looking like he wanted to be here.

Dave hummed in annoyance, but continued. “These movies are like that book you bought a couple years ago and never got around to reading. It’s always there, just waiting for you and it’s probably really good, but man, you don’t want all those paper cuts and you’d have to take time out of your day to actually read it. Oh, and it’s probably surprisingly heavy and you’d have to actually think about the story and ugh, I’m talking myself out of going to see my own movie. Sorry.”

“I don’t read much?” Nepeta replied, not sure if she should laugh or not. “So, what do you do, Rose?”

“I’m an author,” Rose replied dryly.

“Oh. Okay.” Well, this was now incredibly awkward. Nepeta tried to look around the room for an escape route, but many of the other humans seemed outright uncomfortable with the presence of trolls and she doubted she could make it all the way over to John without looking really obvious.

“My work tends to be rather obtuse,” Rose assured. “I completely understand not being quite as accessible as Mr. Strider’s work. What do you do for a living, Nepeta?”

“Um, right now? I work at a coffee shop. I’m still on rotation for the fleet, but it makes a little extra money on the side.”

“What did you do on the fleet?” Dave questioned. Nepeta may have been paranoid, but the question sounded a little sharper than she expected. Glancing at the human face next to her, she couldn’t spot anything out of the ordinary, though. Maybe she was just imagining it.

“Second class patrol officerator, Nepeta Leijon, at your service.” Nepeta offered a toothy grin. “It’s like human security, I think. We provide protection detail for highblood officers and important locations.”

She didn’t miss the look Rose shot to Jade across her shoulder. It was subtle, but the lull in both conversations made Nepeta’s eyes narrow just a fraction. Something was going on here, and she didn’t understand what, but that look was one of defensiveness. A sudden touch to her back made her chirrup in surprise, and she flushed when she saw Rose smiling behind a hand at the noise. Dave had snorted in laughter, although he tried to stifle it by coughing into his sleeve.

“Equihiss,” she snapped back at her palemate. Equius only moved his hand to ruffle her hair, and she sighed, letting the calming effect relax her shoulders. She wasn’t going to forget the look, but she did set it aside for now. Dave was still trying hard not to smile, and Nepeta felt her flush get more pronounced, her tail fluffing behind her.

Luckily, John saved the moment by clapping his hands loudly. “Drinks are in the kitchen!” he called. “Come and get it before the game starts!”

The thirstier humans already had drinks in hand, so Nepeta had to move her way through a relatively small throng of people as she headed to the kitchen. Unfortunately, Rose had apparently followed her. The human was lithe, and while she wasn’t silent, she did seem to understand the flow of the group better than Nepeta did. She was already leaned against one of the walls Nepeta occupied while waiting for the counter to clear.

“So what brings you to the party?” Rose questioned politely, checking her phone as she waited. Nepeta felt like she was being examined anyway, and she also pulled out her phone, more as something to distract her than anything.

“John invited Equius. I tagged along.”

“Ah. A wise choice. Football fans can get a bit obnoxious. I imagine the calming influence will be required if the game is particularly close.” Rose pushed herself away from the wall and nodded toward the drink station. “We should be able to get ourselves a few drinks now.”

Sure enough, by the time Rose reached the cups, the place had opened up. Nepeta followed, and inspected the various colored liquids with mild suspicion. Most human things, trolls enjoyed. Meats, most vegetables, definitely sugar. She couldn’t smell any of the tell-tale foods that would have her heaving, but that didn’t mean they weren’t there. She loaded up a plate of vegetables for herself and Equius, balancing the try with one hand while she reached for the cups with the other.

“I believe John made this one for you two,” Rose noted, gesturing toward the amber-colored punch bowl. Nepeta dipped her cup in to take just a sip, and found it was some kind of fruit concoction. It was absolutely loaded with sugars, too. John either didn’t understand how trolls metabolized sugar, or he wanted to get his new friends absolutely _smashed_.

“I’m going to get some water for this,” Nepeta decided, pulling one of the cups and filling it halfway with water. She didn’t dilute her own, knowing that she was a better drinker than her palemate. Rose had filled two cups as well, and the woman waited for Nepeta to finish before heading back.

“Do you mind exchanging chat names?” Rose questioned before they got to the couch. “I would love to talk more if you’re interested.” When the human smiled, Nepeta blinked in surprise. She’d figured she’d already burned that bridge.

“Sure!” Trollian and whatever the humans used were compatible, and she passed off her prizes in order to pull out her phone. When the app opened and she searched for nearby users, several popped up. Rose handed both drinks to Dave and opened her own phone. The ding of a match made Dave crane his neck to see what they were doing.

“Well don’t leave me out,” Dave insisted, handing the drinks back and opening up his own phone. Nepeta soon had two more offers for friends, and when she looked around, she saw Jade with her phone as well.

“It’s fun to make more friends,” Jade offered.

The noises made other humans turn and look, and some seemed even more uncomfortable when they saw what was going on. John had been mingling, but he headed over when he saw all the phones.

“What’s going on?” he questioned, glancing at all of his new friends.

“Making friends,” Rose replied. John’s face seemed stormy for a moment, but it passed so quickly Nepeta wasn’t sure she saw it. When his grin returned in full force, she was no longer surprised to see him add her as well.

The humans all retrieved snacks of their own, some gathering up dips and meats and others sticking to corn triangles that looked good but smelled like they would make the trolls sick. Dave was settled in with something called ‘nachos’ and Nepeta finally caved and retrieved a plate of meats. They were salty and foreign, and she savored every bite.  
John made sure to load her plate up with sweets, too, grinning when she tried to decline. “It’s not all sugar,” he assured, even making Equius try some. So, he did know what he was doing. Nepeta could respect that. John checked the time after he made sure everyone was either eating or in the process of getting food, and his brows raised.

“Hey, scoot over Dave. Kickoff is starting soon.” And with that, John pushed between Dave and Equius, touching thighs with both. Equius tensed slightly, but Nepeta settled in more comfortably on his lap and took both of their trays. She balanced them precariously on her knees and shot him a challenging look. It forced the blueblood to relax a little, and he settled the hand without a drink behind the couch, spanning most of it. Jade retrieved drinks for herself and John, and then settled on a chair next to Equius, where they continued their discussion under the drone of the television as it switched on.

The other humans all had chairs or leaned against walls in order to watch the game, and it didn’t take Nepeta long to realize she didn’t understand football. At all. The goal seemed to be to get the ball to one side of the field or the other, and both teams were clad in obviously ornamental clothing, but beyond that, she was lost.

Her phone buzzed. She pulled it out of her pocket, and found that Trollian had given her a notification. Opening it up, she saw an unfamiliar red lettering.

 

\--turntechGodhead [TG]  has begun trolling arsenicCatnip [AC] \--   
TG: you look pretty lost over there on lap island  
TG: how about you climb aboard the ss knowledge with captain strider?  
TG: i'll have you so full of football expertise you'll make john swoon  
TG: spouting off scores from the preseason and how the cowboys were robbed last year  
TG: robbed like they were lonely sailors just trying to get through the ocean of life  
TG: but here comes the ss knowledge and all that horrible reality  
TG: jegus turn your phone on silent or something  
TG: john is giving me a look  
TG: you do not want to be on the receiving end of this look nepeta  
TG: it is the storm on our waters of beautiful friendship

Nepeta found herself smiling a little, and she dutifully turned her phone’s volume down. Equius seemed to be interested in the game in any case, his drink forgotten in his hand. John was pressed up against his side, and she could feel his legs twitch every time something exciting happened in the game. She took another sip of her own, and then turned back to her phone.

AC: :33 < anybody ever tell you talk too much?  
TG: always  
TG: but i never let the haters get me down  
TG: the striders pride themselves on their ability to talk through anything

As she looked over at Dave, she found him lounging with his legs crossed, smirking down to his phone. She couldn’t tell through the glasses, but she suspected that their eyes met before she turned her attention back to the game. More running around with the ball. Oh, wait, this time one of them kicked it. John whooped when it went through the posts, as did some others. Equius had startled at the noise, but Nepeta let a low rumble echo through her as she patted his knee. He settled down quickly, taking a sip of his drink. Judging by the slight flush to his ears, he was beginning to process all that sugar that had been forced on them.

AC: :33 < what the heck is a cowboy anyway?  
TG: only the best team in the league  
TG: john may try and tempt you with the ways of the redskins, but don't be fooled  
TG: the cowboys are a much better team and that's not just my hometown pride talking  
TG: unfortunately since this is a redskins eagles game you will not be able to witness their magnificence  
TG: maybe next time  
AC: :33 < i'm just going to have to look it up, aren’t i?  
TG: yes 

Their conversation continued along those lines as she tried to get into the game. Equius grasped the rules before she did, it seemed, because he was soon quietly vibrating with excitement along with John. Nepeta found some information on cowboys, but didn’t understand how they related to the strange game until she looked up the team specifically. Dave did eventually explain how scoring worked, though it was like pulling teeth to get him to explain clearly.

The game had a short intermission halfway through, and Nepeta hopped off of her moirail to refill their drinks. Dave followed with his and Rose’s cups, and it seemed he was just as verbose in person.

“But really, you should definitely consider supporting the Panthers,” he insisted, pouring the drinks. Nepeta had to pause and look up the team before sticking out her tongue at him. The mascot did interest her, though.

“You’re lucky I’m forgiving, human,” she teased in return, taking a long drink before refilling her cup. She was starting to feel a bit tingly, the energy translating to a pleasant buzzing sensation in her fingertips.

“I’m so terrified,” Dave deadpanned, lifting his shades to wink at her before heading back to the others. The game had started again, and Nepeta found Equius had taken off his sunglasses to watch the screen with more detail. They were clenched loosely in one hand, and she snagged them from him, putting them in her pocket. They would be safer there anyway.

Then she went back to trolling Dave, since it was more interesting than what she was watching.

AC: :33 < so how'd you even m33t all these humans?  
TG: an excellent question   
TG: let me regale you with the tales of dave strider, awkward 10 year old  
TG: it was a scorchingly hot day in texas when dave strider  
TG: imagine me, but shorter and even more handsome  
TG: decided to log onto a pesterchum for a distraction from the horrible heat  
TG: he was just a lonely heart looking for someone to talk to  
TG: and then i met jade  
TG: and she introduced me to john and rose  
TG: and the rest is history   
TG: so if you're having a horrible awful time, blame jade  
AC: :33 < i wouldn't say it's pawful  
TG: oh god you make puns  
TG: please tell me this is a temporary thing  
AC: :33 < hey, i could decide to rp with you  
TG: i'll have you know i only roleplay in the bedroom

Nepeta raised a brow, and when she looked over at the human, she saw him decidedly staring down at his phone. He seemed not to know what to do with his hands. She felt her phone vibrate a few times, and turned her attention back to the game when Equius and John high-fived over her head. John laughed, but rubbed his hand.

Apparently the game had ended? It looked like there was still time on their little clock, but people were pouring onto the field and the chatter of the room grew louder as people discussed the game. Nepeta glanced down at her phone.

TG: ha ha   
TG: dave strider   
TG: joke master in the house   
TG: uh nepeta?

The troll decided to have mercy on the poor guy. After all, he was pretty cute for a squishy human. Rose had apparently leaned over his shoulder, and she was laughing quietly as he tried to hide the conversation from her.

AC: :33 < i'm not really into humans, but i'll think about it   
AC: :33 < ;33

With that, she stood up and stretched, her action apparently drawing attention from Jade. Nepeta raised her brows at the human, but Jade only waved her off.

“I just forget how flexible trolls are,” she replied. “That doesn’t hurt?”

“No?” Nepeta replied. “I am pretty flexible, even for a troll, though.” She straightened up and saw Dave staring as well. Her smile turned a little saucier and she made a show clearing their empty cups and dishes. Maybe it was the sugar talking, but she hoped he was getting ideas.

When she returned, John and Equius were discussing something, and judging by the flush across Equius’s face, it was something he didn’t want her overhearing. So she took a peek out one of the windows of the hive, and winced at the brightness. It was going to be an unpleasant walk to the next transportalizer, but this had been pretty fun.

“Do you want a ride home?” Jade asked, appearing by her side. “I’ve got a pretty big van, so I think Equius could fit in the back.”

“I’d have to ask him, but it would be nice.” Nepeta smiled widely. “Thanks for inviting us.”

“Of course!” Jade looked over at the blueblood and John. “John’s been trying to come up with a reason to invite Equius over for a while. He’s a little flushed for your moirail. I hope it works out for them, though with drone season coming back up...”

Nepeta opened her mouth, but before she could ask the obvious question, Jade was talking again. “I work on the xenobiology team that made first contact with troll ships. Not that I worked there that long ago, but you know what I mean. I know how awkward it can be for trolls on Earth who want to fill a quadrant with a human.”

“You can’t really fill a quadrant with anyone but a troll,” Nepeta deflected.

“That’s true. But I figured that since you’re his moirail, you’d be able to tell me if he’d even want a fling. I can tell John to knock it off. He’ll listen to me.”

The more protective part of Nepeta wanted to tell her yes. To get that human away from her moirail’s heart and make sure he didn’t get it broken when he had to find someone else to fill a pail with. But she saw the way Equius flushed when John took his hand, comparing the sizes. She couldn’t in good conscience flirt with humans and then forbid her diamond from doing the same because she didn’t want him to get hurt.

“It’ll be good for him,” she said out loud. “To have fun with somebody besides me.” Her smile sharpened to a hard line, and her eyes narrowed as she turned her gaze back to Jade. To her surprise, the human seemed to expect it, and met her gaze with a challenging look. “If he hurts my diamond, there will be consequences.”

“Same for if Equius hurts John.”

Nepeta noticed that Jade wasn’t exactly small for a human. She smelled dangerous, like gunpowder and antiseptic. Her arms weren’t as bulging with muscles as John, but she could probably put up a good fight. Especially if she was unofficially claiming her hatefriend under her protection. That took some shameglobes.

The oliveblood let her smile return to sincerity. “I’ll go ask him.”

Jade relaxed when Nepeta turned, and she saw the human let out a long breath. When Nepeta moved to lean against Equius, she found he and some other humans were discussing weightlifting. Apparently Equius’s rigid schedule impressed them. Equius calmed when she gave him a gentle pat, but he was still nervous when he addressed the others.

“Jade wants to take us home in her vehicle,” Nepeta murmured to her moirail as she looked at the humans. She couldn’t smell weaponry, but she had been too relaxed to check before. She doubted this was some elaborate setup, but a troll could never be too cautious.

“Do you want to?” Equius returned just as quietly as John boasted about something. He seemed to sense her nerves, and she had to keep a firm hand on his shoulder to keep him down.

“It seems okay.” Besides, humans didn’t make their vehicles very strong. Even she could punch through a window if she felt threatened. Equius nodded once, and Nepeta smiled, pushing off of him and wandering back toward the kitchen. Hopefully there would be more of that meat.

Rose was reading something by the drinks as Nepeta approached. Her face was just as hard to read, but the smell of fear was unmistakable. When the oliveblood deliberately scraped the edge of a serving dish while retrieving more snacks, Rose snapped her head back up.

“Did you enjoy the game?” Nepeta questioned as she worked on the food, her tone careful.

“I’m not really interested in football, but John did ask me to come,” Rose replied, tone equally careful. She seemed suspicious, and Nepeta leaned against the table as she picked at the unflavored corn chips. These would probably be more palatable than the spicy ones.

“I don’t think I get the appeal, either. Equius looks like a fan.”

“I imagine plenty of trolls would like bloodless sports if given a chance.”

As true as that may have been, Nepeta couldn’t help but think that there was more to the statement that she didn’t quite get. “The empress prefers blood sports,” she demurred, watching Rose for any kind of reaction.

The human was stone when she knew she was being observed. “I suppose that is her right.” Nepeta couldn’t even smell a change. It was frustrating. She was actually glad when Dave entered the kitchen, stopping when he looked at the two.

“Am I interrupting something?” he asked, glancing at Rose first.

“Of course not, Dave,” Rose replied. “Are the guests leaving?”

“Yeah. Jade said something about heading to the garage for goodbyes.”

“That’s for us.” Nepeta quickly finished the food. “It was nice meeting you two.”

“Hopefully we see more of each other,” Rose murmured.

Dave just waved, and when Nepeta found her palemate, he and the other two speaking in front of a rather narrow hallway. “How about I just pull the van up around front?” Jade was offering.

“That would probably be best,” Equius sighed. “Human homes are made for far lower castes of blood than my own.”

“Jeez, I’d barely fit through there if I was carrying something,” Nepeta added, startling John. “Does that lead to your van, Jade?”

“Yeah, I was hoping to spare you guys some of the sun. But I guess you won’t burn that quickly. Let me grab my keys.”

The girl left, and John appraised both trolls, a satisfied smile on his face. “I’m glad you could make it today! Will we see any more of you, Nepeta?”

“I’ll be around,” she replied, smiling as well. “You can always stop at our coffee shop if you’re in that part of the city. I’ll send you the address.”

“I’d love to.” John then turned to Equius. “See you at the gym?”

“Of course. We can discuss further training there.”

“Cool!” There was a honk from out front. “That’s Jade. Have a safe ride home, you guys!”

Nepeta was going to go for a handshake, but she was swept up in a hug, and Equius was pulled in as well. It was entirely too warm next to a human, and when he let them go, Nepeta saw his face had flushed a little under the exertion.

“Don’t be strangers,” he called as the trolls excused themselves. Equius put his sunglasses back on, and Nepeta helped him get into the back of the van. There was more room than Jade had alluded to, so she sat back there as well, looking at the open space with interest.

“I haul a bunch of equipment, so it was easier to just take out the back seats,” Jade told them from her place up front. “Where to?”

Equius gave directions to the nearest transportalizer that would take him back to his hive, and Nepeta got off there as well, waving to Jade as she drove away. It seemed after all the excitement, Equius didn’t want to chat much, and he straightened up under the gaze of the curious humans at the stop.

It was difficult to talk to him when he was like this, and so Nepeta only squeezed his arm once in goodbye before he left, earning the smallest fraction of a smile. Her hive wasn’t too far, so she took the subway there, earning just as many stares.

Then it was through another transportalizer, up a set of stairs, and through the door before she could relax. It was late, and she was pretty tired, but at least she didn’t have work first thing in the night. As she opened up her husktop while climbing into her ‘coon, she saw she had a few messages.

One was from John, again thanking her for coming to the party. One was from Jade, apologizing for not being more talkative on the drive. Dave had sent her some silly monologue she would read later.

And then there was a request from someone she didn’t recognize. Maybe someone else at the party? There wasn’t a message attached, just the hatefriend request, so she hit accept as she settled in for the day.

Humans were weird, but they were proving to be a lot of fun so far.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is no way that John didn't play football. John's a brick house. And this chapter definitely wasn't written because I'm upset about our team's QB being out for the season. Definitely not.


	4. Revenge may be served cold, but coffee isn't

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nepeta finds out the human's name. Also blackflirting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, updates are going to be sporadic for the next month. NaNoWriMo is taking all of my spare time. Hopefully I'll get something out soon, but no promises.

Nepeta had almost forgotten about the pink human. Her next shift proved that that was a mistake she would not make again. As she hurried to make the next coffee, she glared at the woman leaning against the counter, humming contentedly at the troll’s misfortune.

Apparently, she had decided to bring all of her coworkers here just before the shop closed, and they all wanted special orders. If that wasn’t complex enough, Nepeta had already put away some of the items they needed, so she had to retrieve them all and hope that no one complained about the wait. It was a miracle that she didn’t end up having to redo anything.

This probably made them even, she had to begrudgingly admit. She added a tally mark to the human’s score in her mind.

Finally, she finished the last order, and she slumped against the counter as she counted the customers. Between humans and trolls, there were at least two dozen beings hanging around the shop. The pink human grinned slyly and pushed her drink along the counter. She was never going to close on time now.

“You look like you need it,” she explained when Nepeta shot her a dirty look.

“If I wanted coffee, I’d make my own,” Nepeta shot back.

“And tire out those pretty hands of yours?”

Nepeta muttered something unrepeatable under her breath. “Fine.” Snatching the coffee on the counter, she took a long drink, fully intending to finish it out of spite. To her surprise, it was absolutely delicious. She couldn’t even remember what she’d made for this one, and she set it down after the one drink, licking her lips. It was sweet enough to warm her up, but not so much that it was cloying.

“Figured you could use a rest, kitten,” the human noted, her smile surprisingly warm as she regarded the troll. “You must be exhausted having to work for a change.” That smile turned sharper, and Nepeta felt that twist of black in her pusher again.

“I’m sure you wouldn’t know the feeling,” Nepeta replied, just as sweet as the drink.

The human snorted with a concealed laugh, and move to take another sip of her coffee. “You and Dirk have very different opinions on that,” she murmured, maybe to herself. Then again, the human seemed to wait for a reply, one that Nepeta had no chance to give.

As soon as the clock struck four, one of the trolls looked at his phone and stood up to leave. That started the slow retreat of the party. Each person seemed to realize how late it was, and they left in ones and twos, rejoining the streets as they hurried home.

“You coming, Roxy?” one of the others called as he took his leave. “I can give you a lift home.”

“Yeah, thanks!” the human at the counter replied brightly. Her whole demeanor seemed softer when she wasn’t flirting. Actually, it reminded Nepeta a bit of Feferi. She should really log in and say hi to the ether. Sollux and the other rebel technicians would probably pick it up and establish a secure connection for her. She knew the yellowblood was monitoring all of his old hatefriends’ accounts.

Distracted by the thought, she almost missed when the human turned around and gave her a level stare. “If you’re going to have the tail, you really should have the ears to match,” she informed Nepeta, before pinching a bit of her cartilage. Nepeta snarled in order to mask her jump. She hadn’t seen the human’s hand move, hadn’t noticed her getting so close until that bit of pain. If she’d been a serious opponent, there was a chance that would have been a fatal blow.

“Aww, she purrs, too.” And with that, the human stuffed a wad of money into the donation jar, and then flounced out with the other human. Anyone else in the shop hurried out, especially when Nepeta kept up that snarl as she wiped counters.

Nobody got the jump on Nepeta Leijon. Especially not some pastel, grinning human. _Especially_ especially not a human to whom blackflirting seemed to come second nature, and who could put more warmth into an insult than some could in a compliment.

Going through the motions of closing up shop, Nepeta had plenty of time to think. The human’s name was Roxy. Was that short for something? It didn’t seem like a common human name, but she really didn’t know that many humans anyway. Outside of the few who worked the day shift at the coffee shop, or some of the regulars she saw around town, she didn’t have any human friends to ask.

Wait. Yes she did. Nepeta stopped sweeping the floor to pull out her phone. Really, she shouldn’t check it at work, but it wasn’t going to take more than a second.  
There were a few messages from a few trolls she knew from the fleet and kept in contact with. A message from Equius to make sure she had some water before sleeping in case she was still dehydrated from the party. And a follow-up greeting from John. Perfect. She wouldn’t even have to start a new conversation.

 

\--arsenicCatnip [AC]  has begun trolling ectoBiologist [EB] \--   
AC: :33 < there’s another john who works here at the shop   
AC: :33 < do humans share names very often?

 

Perfect. Nice and subtle about directing the conversation. He wouldn’t suspect a thing. And there really was another John around the place, although Nepeta was fairly certain he spelled it differently. Since she was risking it already, Nepeta sent back a <> to Equius, and then put away the phone.

Surprisingly, the big group hadn’t left much of a mess behind. Most of them took their coffees with them, and they cleaned up after themselves. Beyond the normal closing routine, Nepeta had little else to foul her mood.

She did one last checkup before locking the place up, and then allowed herself to check her messages after she set the alarm and got out of there. John hadn’t replied, but she replied to everything else as she walked.

Roxy. Roxy who worked with computers. Nepeta didn’t recognize any of the trolls that she had worked with, so she couldn’t intimidate one of them into giving up more information. If she got close to another of the humans, she supposed she could befriend one. But that would take a while, and she had a bad feeling about that route.  
This was probably just what she wanted. Humans were excellent at mental warfare. Nepeta forced herself to go back to the phone, to reply to the messages and browse something that wasn’t related to pink-haired humans and their blackflirting.

 

John said humans apparently shared names often. Not just first names, either, but surnames and something called a middle name, too. And they changed their names sometimes, either because of some bizarre custom or for entertainment.

She really shouldn’t have been surprised. Humans didn’t seem to mind sharing, and they had a lot of nicknames. She was just glad that they seemed to follow the more obvious method of one being, one name for online activity. She could only imagine what her Trollian would look like if they were allowed to share handles, too.

John would probably be amused by her reaction, so she sent him a message about how weird that was, and hopped out of her apartment at a brisk walk.

Nepeta had woken up late, and as she headed in to work, she got a particularly bewildered text from her boss after finishing the audit. It seemed like the older troll had been keeping tabs on the till, and the sudden influx of cash had been cause for concern.

She was quick to reassure the troll that no one had suddenly reverse-stolen any sums from the drawer, especially not for any nefarious purposes. The conversation ended just as Nepeta walked into the shop, and as soon as she put her phone away, the troll found that apparently the previous shift had been just as bored. Everything was already stocked and clean. Impressively so. It was a miracle that she made it almost to the end of her shift before giving up and sitting down at one of the tables.

After a few minutes of trying not to doze off, Nepeta stood again, sighing loudly. Why weren’t there any more customers? It was a nice night. She could see people outside. Was the door locked? Did the sign not turn on?

But no, everything was how it should have been. The troll paced around the tables for a while, watching the clock count down. Almost closing time. Just a little longer.  
She wondered what Roxy was doing. It was only for a moment, a wandering thought, but it seemed to call the pastel stranger better than any Trollian message would have.

Of course they’d all come back ten minutes before the store closed. Of course Roxy would make a gesture to her ears with a question mark in her expression. It wasn’t an overtly black gesture, but Nepeta still felt her whole body go tense and hard at the laugh that followed.

She allowed the displeased rumble in her chest to echo as she worked. It put most of the trolls on alert, shooting her uneasy glances even as they raised brows at Roxy. Knowing how annoying she could be, Nepeta wouldn’t be surprised in this whole thing was just to orchestrate what a huge pain large groups were.

It was fifteen minutes past close by the time she was done with orders, and Roxy had leaned against the counter again as she drank. “So,” the human began. “You should give me your Trollian handle.”

“And why would I do that?” Nepeta snapped in return.

“Because if you don’t, I won’t give you mine.” Roxy smiled sweetly, and Nepeta rolled her eyes, turning away.

“Goodness. How shall I ever recover from such a threat?” As the troll started digging out the broom, intent on closing the store, Roxy seemed disappointed. At least, when Nepeta looked directly at her, she seemed disappointed. Whenever the oliveblood turned away, still aware of the human in her peripheral, that mouth of hers turned into a pleased grin.

“Kitten, you’re going to regret that decision.”

“Oh yeah? We’ll see.”

Roxy smiled, and then began to usher people out. In moments, the store was empty, and Nepeta sighed in relief. She could finally close up and go home.

 

Roxy hadn’t be lying, apparently. The crowd for their just-before-closing party was even bigger. In retaliation, Nepeta put salt instead of sugar into the woman’s coffee. She drank it anyway. Made sure to get everyone out exactly thirty seconds before closing time.

The next night, Roxy came in alone, and took up a booth by herself, tapping away at her computer for what felt like hours. She ordered four coffees over that time period. Nepeta poured caramel in the last one, the sea salt making Roxy gag before she tasted the rest of it.

“You’re horrible,” the human informed Nepeta as she put the money on the counter.

“Careful, you’re making me swoon,” Nepeta replied, a brow quirked meaningfully. Roxy stammered for a second, just long enough for it to feel like a victory.

She’d been on the back paw long enough with those crowds. Now that it was one-on-one, she’d show this Roxy who the real hunter was. And Roxy seemed to know it, too, flushing when they maintained eye contact and hurrying back to her computer.

Alright.

**Nepeta: Two Roxy: One**

When Roxy left, she did so silently, and Nepeta almost felt bad about that. But that was the problem with blackflirting with humans. They gave up too easily. She shrugged to herself and finished the work she had to do before locking up and heading out.

Surprisingly, she only had one message, and it was from a name she didn’t recognize.

 

–  tipsyGnostalgic [TG]  has begun pestering arsenicCatnip [AC] \--  
TG: guess who didnt need your trollian handle after all?  
TG: *wink*


	5. So many cat pictures

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nepeta works out with John and Equius. Roxy believes she may have poisoned her cat. Somebody slips the "h" word in there.

On her next night off, Nepeta accepted an invitation to work out with Equius and John. Her moirail had assured her that she wouldn’t be interrupting anything, and John was eager to see how ‘ripped’ she was, whatever that meant. Since their physiology was so different, it wouldn’t be nice to compare their abilities, but since she was a similar size, she supposed she would indulge him. It had been a while since she’d gone somewhere to keep up with her routine, anyway.

The walk to the transportalizer was quick enough. It was just after sunset, so a little too early for most trolls to be out and about, but too late for humans getting off of work. The drones got her to her destination quickly, although alone, and as Nepeta scoped the blocks of human hives, she reminded herself of her directions.

As she opened up Equius’s directions again, just to be sure, she saw that Roxy had sent her more messages.

It hadn’t taken very long to figure out that Roxy had hacked her way onto her phone. No one else she knew would type in such obnoxious pink, or flirt so casually.

It had, however, taken a bit of getting used to when she decided to send these messages. Roxy’s sleep schedule was apparently nonexistent, because Nepeta found messages timestamped at all hours of night and day. And it seemed to alternate between perfectly acceptable messages and the outlandish.

For example, one night she’d wake up to:

–  tipsyGnostalgic [TG]  has begun pestering arsenicCatnip [AC] \--  
TG: hey do you think earth cats would eat grbusauce?  
TG: nvm he totally loves it look  
TG: bit.li/aXypx

While other times she’d start her shift, check her phone, and find twenty messages rambling on about how much the human woman hated her job. Apparently a baking empire needed serious online security. Roxy had never explicitly named which company she worked for, but after cursing “every crocker except janey” in very colorful language, Nepeta didn’t have to do that much sleuthing.

The worst times were when she would find a long chain of messages while the woman was _in the shop_. Nepeta quickly got a feel for when she would open up her phone to a clogged chat. Roxy would put on a sugary smile and make very little conversation, but would hang around, apparently linking anything and everything and sending it to her Trollian.

Nepeta figured the human did it just to see if the troll clicked the links, because some of them were obviously short gifs of pornography. Usually pale, judging by the way the two trolls regarded each other in the few seconds she could glimpse of them, but sometimes black as pitch, and just shy of obscene.

Equius would explode if she showed him any of them, she was sure. The fact that the human was apparently looking up such things while sipping coffee in the corner booth made her retroactively want to flip a table. It was apparently time to either step up her game, and see if the human could handle it, or break things off before it got physical. There were only so many hints they could drop before one had to break and see if… well, if the other would shatter.

Roxy’s contribution today was apparently a long stream of messages about her cat. Nepeta would have ignored the stream of posts until later if the woman hadn’t included pictures, and that kept her attention glued to her screen as she continued toward the entrance of the workout center.

It was her quick reflexes that saved her from the opening door, and she whirled out of the way as someone gave a startled gasp near her face.

“Are you alright?” the human questioned, and it took Nepeta a moment to realize it was Jade. “I didn’t hit you with the door, did I?”

“I’m fine,” Nepeta replied, putting her phone into her pocket. Cats or no cats, it was rude to have her eyes on her phone while she spoke to someone. “I thought it was just going to be Equius and John today?”

Jade’s face quickly broke into a smile. “I was just dropping off John’s keys. That goober would forget his head if it wasn’t attached to his shoulders, I swear.” She looked Nepeta up and down, and seemed to mull something over in her head.

“I’ve been trying to work up the nerve to ask over Pesterchum, but since I bumped into you...” she began, tone friendly. “Would you mind if I asked you about your implants? I don’t really have the time now, but maybe over lunch or something?”

The request was innocent enough, especially since the human obviously worked in the field. (Nepeta had double checked with Equius to get more details, but apparently Jade didn’t talk much about work.) The way she asked, though, set Nepeta’s alarm bells ringing. This was like the secret look over the game. It was a hint of something she didn’t understand, and she didn’t like being out of the loop.

“I’d be happy to,” Nepeta replied carefully. “Just message me when you have time, and I’ll get back to you with my schedule.”

“Perfect!” Jade’s smile brightened, and the suspicion seemed to melt away. But this was Jade, an acquaintance, or possibly even hatefriend, to her moirail. She refused to let her instinct be soothed by a friendly smile. “Say, you haven’t seen anyone hanging around out here, have you?” Jade continued, looking around.

“Not that I noticed, why?” Nepeta looked around as well. She had been distracted by her phone, sure, but surely not that distracted. Her horns hadn’t picked up any signals from a troll, so maybe it was a human she was worried about?

“Oh, no reason. I just left my van unlocked, so I didn’t want anyone messing with it while I was inside. I’ll message you when I get some down time at work. It was good seeing you, Nepeta!”

Jade gave another appraising look to the surrounding area, and then waved before heading out. However, when she brushed past Nepeta, the troll caught the blisteringly predatory scent of gunmetal. Nepeta waved to Jade as well, but her smile held no warmth behind it the moment she caught the suspicion of weaponry. Her rumblespheres had begun to churn out a warning noise the human couldn’t hear, and her tail had gone still, the rest of her mind focusing on exactly how many paces it would take to pounce on the squishy threat.

But no. This was Jade. She would bide her time on that front. Surely Equius would have sensed if something was wrong and either sent her a message or taken care of the human himself. Her eyes moved to take in possible movement, and she quickly spotted the firearm in question. It was a handgun of some kind, hidden in the folds of Jade’s shirt just behind her right hand. Well-hidden, and probably not fired anytime recently, or she would have smelled it sooner.

This wasn’t an emergency. Just an annoyance. Equius better have an explanation.

The moment Jade got back into her vehicle, Nepeta headed inside, eyes narrow until she spotted Equius and John near some lockers. Her moirail looked just fine, but when he waved, she stomped toward him. Her rumblespheres blasted her mood across the entrance, scaring one of the rustbloods nearest the door into nearly falling off of his running machine.

Equius didn’t question the way she stalked around him, poking and prodding until she was satisfied that he was okay. John certainly did. He shot Equius a confused look, one that Nepeta assumed he thought she couldn’t see, and she saw Equius give him a minute shake of the head. This was a troll thing, the look told him, and at least John was smart enough to leave it at that.

“Why did she have a gun with her?” Nepeta hissed in Alternian, reaching up to grab Equius by the sensitive part of his horn. He let her, sighing. It probably made an amusing sight, to see such a large troll being manhandled by an oliveblood, but Nepeta’s subsonic growl of annoyance stopped any trolls from even looking in their direction. They were some of the highest bloods there, and Nepeta had a very large growl for her size.

“I am told many humans carry them,” Equius replied, tone soothing. One sharp grip of her claws, and she would be able to overload his vibratory system. A troll’s horns were constantly taking in vibrations, and while the upper points were nearly dead to sensation, the base where she had gripped was very susceptible to injury.

“Why was it not in her specibus?”

“Perhaps she was not permitted one. Humans are allowed to carry weaponry openly.” Nepeta gave another set of angry rumbles, but she let Equius go, and smoothed out her features before addressing John. He was right, of course. Her immediate response to weapons was that they were just used or about to be used, but that was no longer true. This wasn’t a ship where a weapon was a challenge to anyone nearby.

“Hi!” John said brightly when Nepeta had apparently collected herself. “Did you see Jade on your way in?”

“We bumped into each other,” Nepeta replied, smiling a little. “You forgot your keys?”

“Aww, I told her not to say anything.” John was apparently appeased by the chatter, because the worried crease of his brow smoothed a little more. “You’re not going to make fun of me, too, are you?”

“Only a little. Where do I change?”

 

It took a few minutes for her to calm down. Probably longer than she really should have taken, but her fight instinct had flooded her senses with adrenaline, and she didn’t want to walk back out there all jittery.

Roxy was still blowing up her phone with pictures of her cat eating various troll foods that her coworkers had given him. She had apparently taken the sick cat to work with her because she didn’ want to leave him home alone. Nepeta scrolled through them after she was done changing.

She had opted for a slightly more conservative approach to her workout clothes, since there was a human present. She had purchased a wrap for her upper torso, and she’d added a pair of loose shorts over her normal leggings. Walking back out, she saw that she’d judged well. No one was giving her any looks, except for John, who had his eyes on her tail.

“Equius told me that doesn’t come off, but, like, I thought he was kidding,” John admitted. Nepeta raised a brow, but gestured toward the appendage.

“No, it’s attached.” To demonstrate, Nepeta waved the tail back and forth, before letting it settle back down and do its thing. John looked like he wanted to touch it, but he was too polite to ask, and Nepeta didn’t offer. She really didn’t want a human near her sensitive implants when she was still a little riled.

“Did you warm up yet?” Equius asked his moirail as she scoped the room. “We usually begin with running.”

“Sounds good to me,” Nepeta replied. “Want to race, John?”

“Heck yeah I do,” he replied. “Although I have to warn you, I’m a pretty honed athlete.” His grin suggested this was sarcasm, but looking at the sculpture of his muscles, Nepeta had to admit he looked buff for a human.

As the trio took up a few machines in a corner, Nepeta noted that she was the subject of some attention from a few lowblood trools nearby. They whispered quietly among themselves, and if her ears weren’t quite so sharp, she might not have heard the phrase, “mixing dirty.”

The comment was not about her, of course. Mixing dirty was an ugly way of referring to human and troll relations. Another subsonic rumble echoed through her spheres, her displeasure acute and loud enough that Equius startled, nearly cracking the running machine’s handle.

“Let’s get started,” Nepeta told John, turning her machine to a brisk walk. The two trolls whispering seemed to get the hint, because they cleared out when she cast her gaze on them, eyes narrow and teeth showing. She only settled when John started trash talking her pace, the air for running cutting her grumbling short.

Equius did his own thing, his pace a bit slower than theirs. His long legs weren’t designed for running anyway, though he did adjust his incline a bit higher. Nepeta noticed John matched her pace, so she grinned, and turned it higher and higher, barely out of breath by the time he had to scale it back to a brisk walk.

“This is supposed to be a warm up,” he complained, panting. Nepeta kept up her sprint, and turned to look at him.

“It is,” she replied, teasing. It had been a long while since she had bothered with a machine to run on, but she did go for sprints when she had the time. It paid to vary her routine, and staying in shape was vital for if she got called back to a ship.

After about fifteen minutes at their chosen paces, they slowed back down and moved to weights. John was admittedly pretty impressive for his size. Nepeta could barely match his weightlifting, and could only do half the reps. Equius required both of them to spot him as he did his workout, his ability far outstripping their own. John was nearly hit with a weight when he made a joke about the indigoblood being able to bunch him. Equius had flushed, and Nepeta was quick to head over to the pull up bar when she saw John glance in her direction.

While she did have her reservations, Equius hadn’t seemed so relaxed around another person in ages. She even saw him smile, and she smiled as well as she pulled out her phone between reps, finding even more pictures of Roxy’s cat.

AC: :33 < as adorable as this cat is, why are you f33ding him grubcorn?  
AC: :33 < that is really bad fur purrbeasts

While she couldn’t actually see what Roxy was feeding her cat, it was a safe bet that grubcorn was readily available around an office setting. She wasn’t much of a fan, since the shells stuck in her teeth, but everyone else seemed to love it.

She did another set before checking her phone again. John and Equius were chatting amiably, and while Equius seemed to question why why was keeping her distance, he didn’t seem unhappy about it. Nepeta might have been a few sweeps past her hardcore shipping days, but she could still spot when she should make herself scarce.

TG: wait really?  
TG: oh nooooo they didnt tell me that!  
TG: should i take him to the vet after all?  
TG: kitten  
TG: kitty  
TG: nepeta  
TG: nepeta leijon if you dont answer me I swear to gdo  
TG: nepeta please

Wow, Roxy must have been worried. Nepeta wasn’t particularly perturbed by the fact that the human knew her name. If she could hack into her Trollian, she could figure out some basic identification. But Roxy rarely spammed her. And that please on the end made a sliver of black curl its way up through her pusher.

AC: :33 < just stop f33ding him.  
AC: :33 < and let him sl33p.

There, that would be enough to make sure the cat was taken care of. And the curtness of the answer would hopefully make it clear that this wasn’t a red gesture. The last thing she wanted was to have some human flipping flush for her while she was getting to enjoy her spades.

Nepeta finished the third set and then headed back to Equius and John, watching as they chatted over curls. She joined them, and when she felt her phone vibrate, she ignored it. Roxy apparently wanted to get her attention again, but she let it vibrate in her pocket while she finished her set.

“Somebody’s popular,” John offered, nodding toward her pocket. “It sounds like Dave.”

“Dave would take the hint,” Nepeta replied, sighing as her phone continued to buzz.

John laughed at her words, resting when Nepeta stopped to check her Trollian again. Roxy had sent her one message of thanks, and the rest seemed to be her raging about how she thought she had poisoned her cat and how could Nepeta lead her on like that. Nepeta couldn’t help but smile a little, sending back an even shorter response.

AC: :33 < maybe don't f33d your cat weird food then?

And with that, she shut her phone off, and set it back in her pocket. Equius caught her satisfied grin, and raised a brow, but didn’t question her.

“Did something good happen?” John asked, obviously confused by the action. He seemed even more confused when Nepeta began her next set, even more cheerful than before.

“I hope so,” she replied.

The rest of their workout went very well. John conceded that trolls were the superior species in terms of muscle mass. He invited Nepeta to join them more regularly, but she had to decline.

“My schedule doesn’t really let me,” she replied, giving Equius a knowing look when he let out the breath he had been holding. John didn’t catch the exchange. That was probably for the best. Nepeta washed, changed, and headed out, leaving the duo to their own devices again.

“You could join us for dinner,” John offered as the three idled outside of the gym. “I was telling Equius about this really good Korean place I go to after work sometimes. It’ll be fun.”

“Sorry, John. I promised I’d meet someone in a little bit.” The lie came easily, and though John seemed disappointed, he accepted the excuse.

“Next time, then. Have a safe walk back.” With no other warning, he swept her into a hug. Nepeta allowed herself to be lifted off the ground, and she patted John on the chest when she stepped away.

“Same to you.” She turned to Equius and said nothing, but she did waggle her brows a little before leaving, causing the indigoblood to sputter for a moment.

Nepeta didn’t realize her phone was still off until she got back to her hive. She found a message from Jade with a few times they could meet up. One picture from Dave of a strange cat with what was either a strange reference or a very abstract joke underneath. Three messages from Roxy.

TG: i hate you so much  
TG: in the human way not the troll way  
TG: like this bit.li/iivka

The last picture was of her cat, vomiting on someone’s shoes. Judging by the angle, it was was not Roxy.

“Fair enough,” Nepeta said aloud, her pusher thumping as she reread the last few messages. Hate. It was way to early for words like that, but she did like the idea.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NaNoWriMo destroyed me. I finished, but it destroyed me. Have a chapter. I'm sorry the pacing is inconsistent; I'll maybe revise it later.


	6. Secret communications are best communications

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nepeta finds a quiet spot to talk to no one over Trollian. Nothing suspicious about that at all.

–  turntechGodhead [TG]  has begun pestering arsenicCatnip [AC] \--  
TG: so i'm heading to the store for some apple juice and other absolutely essential human items  
TG: normal law abiding strider, minding his own business  
TG: humans and trolls swooning left and right, as they do when i’m making my way downtown  
TG: and who should i spy but a certain troll scaling a wall in the middle of the night  
TG: getting her spiderman on like it's 2002 and tobey maguire has just had the most awkward call of his career  
TG: sorry tobey, we're going with the troll canon be damned  
TG: green and red just go together and we're trying to get those christmas sales  
TG: gotta make sure mom picks up all the toys for little tommy and timmy  
TG: spider troll complete with kung fu grip and web shooters  
TG: but anyway why are you attempting to scale a crocker corp building  
TG: and why did you not invite me

Nepeta glanced down at her phone and let her lips curl into an expression of mild annoyance. She currently sat at the top of an old brick and mortar building in a human part of downtown. The fans and vents around her made enough ambient noise that she didn’t need to be that discreet. After all, there were no cameras around, and as long as she didn’t go shouting her presence to the world, it was doubtful anyone would check the roof for intruders.

Dave continued to message her as she climbed to the highest point of the building, looking around for any of the tiny drones that littered the night sky. Human governments had objected to them during the day, but since they were organic and small, as long as it was a dark night, the Condesce sent out the spies anyway. What kind of human could tell the difference between a sleek black spy drone and a black bat anyway?

TG: i totally get wanting to get your cat burglar on  
TG: pun totally intended  
TG: but they are not a business you mess with  
AC: :33 < i know where i am, dave  
AC: :33 < i do have a functioning thinkpan  
AC: :33 < occasionally i use it to read  
TG: so you're climbing one of their offices why?  
AC: :33 < a proud purrbeast does not n33d a reason to climb things dave  
AC: :33 < i thought you were all about breaking the rules  
TG: oh i am  
TG: i am the king of breaking rules  
TG: i make regular rule breakers sit back and evaluate their life choices  
TG: but you know, the whole threat of interspecies war  
TG: that is a thing you should remember

Nepeta tried not to roll her eyes as she moved back under cover. Hopefully she would be here for more than a few minutes, but that depended entirely on how secure her hatefriends were back on planet. Recently, they’d discovered that as long as they moved from abandoned hive to abandoned hive, the drones seemed to have a different, more predictable pattern to their search. In the wilds, they had to risk rogue drones and other trolls stumbling on their plans. After taking over a few abandoned indigo and cerulean homes, making sure that looters had already taken most of the valuables, they had plenty of space to expand. Sollux now had several colonies for his computers, the hives communicating discreetly across long distances to share resources.

As soon as she held up her phone, she saw the screen flicker, the sign that the program installed on it to wipe their conversations had activated. To anyone watching in real time, it would look like she was chatting with herself. To anyone trying to recover a conversation, it would seem like it had never occurred at all.

It did make it difficult to win arguments when she tried to look for evidence, but that was the price she paid for being part of the resistance.

The words appeared in the hemoanonymous gray that she was used to, and trying to figure out which of her friends was talking could sometimes be a chore. Luckily, their quirks were easier to spot than some of the trolls she had worked with in the past. Technically while Sollux’s program was running, she didn’t have to worry about disguising any of her phrasing. The culling program couldn’t parse a conversation that didn’t exist. But it was so hard-wired into how she interacted with the world that she kept it up anyway.

took you long enough two fiind a 2pot  
how long are you clear for?  
AC: :33 < i have a least ten minutes  
AC: :33 < how is efurryone?  
better than you would beeliieve  
AC: :33 < aww you've b33n practicing!

That warmed her pusher in the most platonic way possible. Sollux used to roleplay with her when they were still wrigglers, but his pun game had always been terrible. It was nice to see him keeping up with the mental exercise even when they didn’t talk as much anymore.

iit doe2n't take a geniiu2 two fiigure out pun2 NP  
even kk manage2 iit 2omehow

Clearly the nickname meant that he appreciated her noticing. She could almost see his toothy smile behind the text. His fangs were a wreck, made somehow worse with his first molt if Karkat was to be believed. She smiled at the phone in her palm, a pang of homesickness running through her. It was obviously dangerous to stay on-planet. They were enemies of the largest empire in the universe, constantly on the run from drones and bounty hunters alike. But sometimes she missed being five sweeps and finding the people who would help form the rest of her life.

Her phone buzzed again, and Nepeta realized that Sollux hadn’t replied. She cycled over to the other active chat. Apparently Dave was still there. Was there a polite way to tell someone to go away? Nepeta hadn’t really run into the problem before.

 

TG: nepeta  
TG: nepeta i need attention to survive you can't just ignore me like this

Sollux had messaged her again. She really couldn’t afford to waste any time, so she thumbed out a response without really thinking.

AC: :33 < shhh dave  
AC: :33 < i'm trying to talk to someone else

She swapped screens again.

do you have another chat open?  
ii'm piickiing up iinterference on your end

Of course he would know that, even if she could have replied quickly enough.

AC: :33 < sorry. should i ignore him?

She would always be able to apologize to Dave later, assuming he didn’t block her. But this was definitely more important.

iit miight be good cover actually.  
ii miight be the be2t hacker on thii2 2hiithole but you can't be two careful riight?

Blinking in surprise, Nepeta began to reply. As she typed, she did another sweep of the area. The darkness was still clear. She could hear nothing out of the ordinary. It was safe, for now.

AC: :33 < sounds like a very loud crab is rubbing off on you ;33  
ii am 2ure ii have no iidea what you mean. and iif you try and tell hiim anythiing liike that ii wiill make 2ure you phone 2tart2 beepiing at random iinterval2 for the fore2eeable future.

He would, too. Nepeta didn’t want to risk having to leave her phone at hive until he felt generous enough to change it back. She decided to give him a moment to salvage his mood, and swapped chat windows again.

AC: :33 < dave

No answer. Sighing, she tried again.

AC: :33 < dave are you mad at me?

This time the reply was immediate. Maybe he’d just needed an opening. In their limited interaction, she’d started to realize Dave shared a lot of traits with a certain Ampora she knew. Although Dave didn’t seem like the type to practice his rants in front of a mirror.

She didn’t appreciate the guilt trip, though.

TG: oh don't mind me. i'm just gathering dust here in the dark. sipping an ice cold apple juice with a faraway look in my eye  
TG: pour one out for my homies, because i don't got anyone left who cares  
TG: cue the sad orchestra as the camera pans out  
AC: :33 < sorry

The apology wasn’t particularly sincere, but it seemed it didn’t have to be.

TG: nah it's cool  
TG: who are you even talking to

She had to think about her phrasing. Better to play it safe than the risk him getting the wrong idea about her quadrants. (Not that it was his business, but if she was going to roleplay with someone, it helped to be clear.)

AC: :33 < a hatefriend of mine  
AC: :33 < the signal is spotty though

Her whole phone let out another quiet buzz. Swapping between conversations was getting a little tiring, but… Well, she really liked seeing all those caps on her screen. An ancient flood of flush, long since examined and, regrettably, discarded, still made her purr. It was just unfortunate the words didn’t suggest the same pleasure of reunion.

THE HACKER SAYS THERE'S A DRONE TRYING TO LOCK ONTO OUR SIGNAL SO WE MIGHT BREAK UP SOON.  
I KNOW, YOU'RE HEARTBROKEN.  
AC: :33 < aww. i am though!

She would have loved to message all her friends every day. She kept in touch with _Vriska_ more often than Karkat. And she felt a bewildering mix of fascination and platonic hate every time she interacted with the crazy troll.

WE STILL HAVE A LITTLE TIME. THESE FUCKERS CAN'T FIND THEIR WAY OUT OF A RECTANGULAR PAPER CONTAINMENT UNIT. THAT'S WHAT THE FUCHIABITCH GETS FOR LETTING HER ASSHOLE FISHFRIENDS EXPERIMENT WITH THEIR GENES. A REAL GENETICIST WOULD HAVE MADE THEM SMARTER BEFORE ADDING IN THE EXTRA CLAWS.  
AC: :33 < i don't think fefuri appreciates when you call them asshole fishfriends.

He was right, though. The empress let her favorites modify troll drones as they saw fit. Sometimes it led to some disarming changes. For half a sweep when she was much younger, all the drones that dropped off Equius’s supplies had done so while simultaneously playing instruments. Others had worn out before even getting there, found halfway down the patrol route, broken and lying alongside supplies and schoolfeeding courses for dozens of trolls.

It was lucky Her Imperial Condescension put the more sadistic trolls in charge of weapons development. If the drones got any better at seeking out “unfit” trolls, her friend group would get a lot smaller.

HER BENEVOLENT CUTTLEFISH CUDDLER IS STARTING TO GET ON MY NERVES ANYWAY. YOU'D THINK SHE'S THE ONLY ONE WHO HAS A FUCKING JOB AROUND HERE OR SOMETHING.

A common complaint, unfortunately. As much as she liked Feferi, Nepeta had to admit that she was high-maintenance. Normally this was a concern to bring to a troll’s moirail, or maybe a longtime quadrantmate. But Eridan was galaxies away (and just as unable to contact them freely) and she still wasn’t sure the whole situation with her and Sollux.

AC: :33 < it can be very stressful fur her. do you want me to say something?  
DON'T EVEN FUCKING THINK ABOUT IT. I WOULD RATHER CLAW MY OWN THINKPAN OUT THROUGH MY AURAL SPONGE CLOTS THAN GO THROUGH THIS ARGUMENT AGAIN. I’M TRYING TO WIN OTHER BATTLES.

Nepeta winced in sympathy. That was a visceral image, and she understood the sentiment. After all, she’d had to take the same approach to Equius. There were only so many things a troll was willing to negotiate.

AC: :33 < still working on the culling thing?  
EVERY NIGHT OF MY SORRY EXCUSE FOR A LIFE.

The one thing no one had been able to change the empress-to-be’s mind on. Every argument ended with, “But we could at least try it! Don’t you feel bad for them?” As if this nebulous ‘them’ wasn’t a population of trolls with their own thoughts and opinions.

Nepeta chalked it up to spending too much time with fish.

As she waited for Karkat to continue, she stood, pacing around the perimeter of the building once again. After the sweep was done, and she still had no answer, she furrowed her brow. It took a few more seconds of anxiously refreshing the chat before she was reassured that the connection was still open. Sollux had it locked to a deadtroll’s switch, so it would be severed the moment he stopped feeding psionics to it.

Another new message appeared after the tenth or eleventh refresh.

Sorry about t)(at! T)(e boys )(ad to deal wit)( some very unpleasant visitors.  
I guess you're stuck wit)( M-E instead 38D  
AC: :33 < oh goodness. what a shame! :33  
AC: :33 < how are things back there?

Karkat did have a tendency to gloss over when things got bad. It took her almost half a perigree to find out that he and Sollux had cannibalized Equius’s old hive for parts in a fit of desperation to outfit rebels off-planet. And she almost never heard about their food situation. Karkat could probably hunt for their group, even assuming Feferi couldn’t bring in enough fish for herself and her Lusus, but she wondered how many on-planet rebels could reliably feed themselves.

O)(, t)(e usual. I R------E-ELY owe my ex-moirail an apology about )(ow muc)( WORK )(unting is! T)(ose poor w)(ales. 38(  
AC: :33 < *the magnificent ac senses quadrant drama!* tell me!  
)(e's suc)( a J--------ERK! And )(e wants me to auspistize between )(im and Sol and!  
GLUB GLUB GLUB!  
I mig)(t need an auspistice for )(im and M-E!  
AC: :33 < karkitty would be a pretty good choice.

After that disaster, it would be best to get someone who could physically hold one of them back. A 3x shoosh combo could only get them so far if their auspistice was someone like Kanaya, who could not leave the caverns to physically touch them.

You don't t)(ink t)(at's too many corner-quadrants?  
AC: :33 < i guess you could always ask equihiss?  
\--------EW!

Nepeta waited a few seconds to see if Feferi would catch her social mistake. It was usually pretty unwise to insult a troll’s moirail like that, especially since she barely knew the indigoblood. While it was probably unintentional, it still made her get a little defensive.

AC: :33 < well i like him.

Barely a moment passed before a new message appeared. Karkat was back.

SORRY TO INTERRUPT YOUR ABOMINATION OF A PLATONIC FEELINGS JAM BUT WE HAVE TO GO.  
AC: :33 < 33:  
SAY HI TO YOUR ASSHOLE MOIRAIL. HE STILL OWES ME TWENTY CAEGERS.

Nepeta barely had time to read the message before the next one appeared. And the one after that was almost instantaneous. They must have been using three different husktops.

make 2ure two log out and turn off your phone before you head home.  
otherwii2e my program won't 2crub everythiing.  
)(opefully we can talk again soon!

It took a second to play catchup with the messages.

AC: :33 < he's not an asshole! well, mostly. i'll tell him.  
AC: :33 < i will as soon as i finish talking to my other hatefriend.  
AC: :33 < hopefully the magnificent cuttlefish will be able to lounge at the shore fur longer next time.

And with that, they were gone. Nepeta didn’t get a notification that they had stopped trolling her, but the conversation swapped back to Dave, and she couldn’t pull it up again. Sighing, Nepeta decided to get up. The longer she stayed here, the more likely it was that a human really would come up here. They always seemed to get everywhere.

It was a shame she could never spend more than a few minutes here and there for her friends, but that was how it was. She would have to tell Equius that Feferi and Eridan were having problems again. Equius had a weird relationship with the violetblood, and he would probably appreciate knowing.

As she stretched her back, she looked at Dave’s chat window. It was a wall of red, and she whistled softly, a little impressed at how much she had missed. It was probably best to just read the last few and catch up later.

TG: so i've been literally texting you nonsense for the last five minutes and you haven't responded  
TG: i'm assuming this means you're either super into your other conversation or you're dead  
TG: hopefully it's not that last one because i can't go to prison again  
TG: i still get flashbacks  
TG: admittedly, they're pretty sweet flashbacks  
TG: riding around the canteen with a bunch of really burly dudes on our lunch trays  
TG: talking about how the man is always bringing us down  
TG: comparing sick tattoos  
TG: possibly getting hepatitis  
TG: i've never been to prison is what i'm trying to get at

She’s have to look up what a prison was later. She knew the troll version, a temporary series of holding cells until a troll was culled publicly or given to whoever needed test subjects. This did not sound like that.

AC: :33 < i'm coming down. can you make sure the alley is clear fur me?

Apparently, she had shocked the human enough to stop typing for a few moments. While she waited for either a response or a block, she stretched her arms and legs. She hadn’t really been sitting that long, but concrete wasn’t exactly comfortable, and it helped to be warmed up for a climb.

Dave responded halfway through stretching her wrists.

TG: it is a heavy task you burden me with, but i think i can handle it  
TG: the coast is clear, boss kitty

Nepeta shut down her phone, and headed to the edge of the building again. As expected, Dave was waiting for her at the bottom of the climb, and he offered her some of whatever he was drinking. Apple juice, if she remembered right.

After one sniff, she shook her head. “I still have things to do today,” she replied, turning her phone back on as she walked next to him. She didn’t want to miss anything from Equius, just in case. “I can’t get wasted just yet.”

“Oh, right.” Dave didn’t have a very good vocal mask. The mild amusement in his voice could still be heard. “So, did you get to talk to your hatefriend or whatever?”

A small lie wouldn’t hurt, right? “The signal was too spotty for much,” she replied. “Even you humans have too much interference to get much.”

“Why not just use the official channel?”

Why did a human know about their communications channels? It was true that the empress had wasted no time setting up a hub so that the spottiness of connecting ships to planets would be minimal. But as far as she knew, that wasn’t public knowledge.

“It costs too much,” Nepeta replied. That was only half a lie. The system was expensive for trolls not contacting their quadrantmates or those using it for non-business reasons. There was a reason text was the most popular form of communication. Any halfway decent psionic could send out a message far enough for the relays to pick it up.

To her mild surprise, Dave didn’t push it. Instead, he walked in step with her until they reached a bus stop. “This is me,” he told her, gesturing to the dirty bench. “Got any more trespassing planned?”

Nepeta pretended to think about it. “No,” she decided. It would be best not to draw any attention tonight anyway.

“Cool, cool. Hey, you heard from John lately?”

“He hasn’t said anything to me. Do you want me to check with Equius?”

Dave’s mouth twitched into a line Nepeta couldn’t decipher, maybe embarrassment. “Never mind. Dude probably got it figured out. Have a good night, okay Nepeta?”

“You too!” A little confused at the abruptness of the end of the conversation, Nepeta still waved goodbye and headed toward hive. It probably wasn’t worth the concern anyway. Dave obsessed over some seriously weird stuff.

Nepeta didn’t hear her phone go off once more before she went home. Roxy had sent her something.

–  tipsyGnostalgic [TG]  has begun pestering arsenicCatnip [AC] \--  
TG: oooooohh youre in trouble now lol

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hate Feferi. I can't get a feel for her voice as a character. Even if she's nice to most people, you can see in canon how willfully ignorant she is, and how entitled she can be. I don't understand the fan love for her, and if I didn't need her for plot reasons, I would never write her into the story.
> 
> Also, Roxy will feature far more heavily in the next chapter. I needed to set some plot things up so that I could finally write a really black scene between the two of them. And since I had to rewrite this chapter three times (thanks terrible laptop!) I'm excited to be onto new things.


End file.
